Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Homeland security

Two older people walk into a bar...

After a 30-year hiatus, I returned to a familiar old habit one night last week: sitting in a bar and writing inspired notes on coctail napkins.

Yes, I took the Mystery Woman to a bar as part of her re-entry into Texas culture, Austin-style. Not just any bar. This was La La's Little Nugget. Their motto makes sense: "It's always Christmas at La La's." Of course it is. They haven't taken down the Christmas decorations in at least five decades. A Christmas tree stands just inside the entrance. Cheerful, but dusty.

It was good to be back. I almost asked the bartender if I have had any calls, but I was afraid she would dead-pan: "Sears."
Think about it.

Anyhow, the Mystery Woman really liked the place. Good juke box, good conversation, good wine.

By the start of the second glass, I was flush with inspiration and whipped out my trusty ball-point pen and blank white coctail napkin. We were going to make history writing down future topics for this blog.

The ideas were coming fast:
--world peace
--cancer cure
--tax reform...

When suddenly She-Who-Knows-Things said: "Eggs."

"Eggs!" I yiked. "How the hell am I going to write about eggs?"

"We're out of eggs and you need to buy some on the way home," she said. With reality crowding the mood, we left.

Then we pulled into a little convenience store which looked to be run by terriorists. The Mystery Woman cruised the aisles but found only beer in the refrigerated cases.

"Oh, madam, we do indeed have eggs," said the clerk in lilting English. With that, he pulled a dozen eggs with a working expiration date from amongst the six packs. He even opened the carton as he had seen women do in other stores, but, instead of checking for cracked eggs, he counted to make certain there were, as advertised, twelve. He counted out loud. Yes, all there. A dozen.

Once we were safely out of the parking lot, I confronted and confounded the Mystery Woman. "You're helping the terriorists by shopping there," I said sternly.

"Don't be silly," she said. "How are they going to hurt us with eggs?"

Women have a different definition of vigilence...

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