Yesterday, we took a bold step. We got cell phones. Again.
I hate cell phones. Mine keeps signaling for a left turn. I can't make it stop.
(We are not alone. Click here.)
Discovery: AT&T phones are free if you order through customer service over the telephone. At least I think they are. All the options confuse me. I miss pay phones. Do they even make nickels anymore?
Repeatedly, we told the chirp on the other end of the line that we wanted the dumbest phone they make. No bells, no whistles. A child’s phone would do nicely, thank you. Oh yes, we want the ring tone to sound line a phone ringing. Let's not even talk about evenings and holidays. Anything after 9 p.m. is wasted on me.
Poppycock, said the chirp under her breath. You need the good phone. You might want to book a cruise and text the captain to wait up whilst you have one more Cuba Libre onshore. Note: the authentic Cuba Libre is made with Royal Crown. And -- is text now a verb?
I hate cruise ships, too. And she didn’t really say poppycock.
Back to yesterday. Of course, we caved and got the “really good deal.”
When the phones arrived the next day, we blurred through the User Guide. It was thick. Way too thick. I read the instructions twice before I discovered half the book was written in Spanish. I think I discovered the genesis of “Press One for English.”
What’s wrong with simplified eye-cons? A simple “ON” button would suffice. But noooo. We had to suffer the whims of adolescent designers who wouldn’t know a bifocal if their granny was wearing one. Tiny little buttons that make no sense to anyone who is old enough to know Truman’s daughter played a poor piano.
You can see where this is going.
Well, half a bottle of wine later, we did manage to light up the display screen, find the smart key, talk to the help desk, and turn the ****@####!!! machine on.
Warning: don’t leave a message on my cell. If you call me, be prepared to call twice. I rarely find the phone in time during your first call. Second warning: don't leave a message. I don’t know how to retrieve messages.
The Mystery Woman has a solution. She says we’re not giving anybody our cell phone number. Problem solved.