Thursday, September 30, 2010

Christie, Paladino -- cage fight?

Please, spare me the GOP tough guy routines.

I’m talking about New Jersey Governor Chris Christie and NY gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino. Both are bullies using money, power and bodyguards to shield them from their own big mouths.

Two quick examples:

Christie was flanked by bodyguards as he charged a heckler in the crowd. That take lots of courage, gov.

Paladino told a reporter he would “take him out” for asking impertinent questions. Presumably, the zillionaire candidate wouldn’t even have to use campaign funds to hire a hit man.

If these two adolescents want to show how tough they are, here’s an idea: let’s have a cage fight for these aging pudge-men who act like they are short of grease in their brain pans.

What do you say, boys? Want to duke it out?

Obviously growing up is too hard to do. That rules out anger management.

You want to know what courage is, guys? Passing health care reform. Refusing to extend tax cuts for the wealthy. Passing Wall Street Reform. Do these kinds of things even when you know it might cost you the election.

That’s how we got the Civil Rights Act. Men and women of courage.
Real courage.

You guys are just blowhards.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

More than Christine O'Donnell, for sure

During America’s Great Migration, six million people left their homes in the South to escape Jim Crow. Today, more blacks live in Chicago than the entire state of Mississippi.

A tree may grow in Brooklyn, but in the Minneapolis suburbs, a new Walgreens or CVS sprouts every 30 days. Old folks.

The curious Minneapolis weather nerd, Paul Douglas, cites the curious claim that more Americans are killed by deer every year than tornadoes or hurricanes. Not in Lubbock.

Another curious claim: a new study claims atheists and agnostics know more about religion than do the faithful. Some skeptics think the survey proves only that atheists and agnostics have more sex. “Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.”

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Hiatus interruptus

(Sorry for the dry spell. Blame it on adjusting to new meds. Still loopy. A little.)

I love my iPad and MacBook. But using iTunes as the middleware is like having Sarah Palin mediate a discussion between Hitchens and Hawking… David McCreath, techie.

I don’t want to die without a hunting dog by my bed… a Minnesota hunter.

Write this down: way off the coast of Chile lies an island named Salay Gomez. If you reach Easter Island, you’ve gone too far. Chile owns both.

Note to city planners: stop laying out cities on East/West grids.That guarantees commuters will have to squint going and coming. Dummies. North/South, same thing. Dummies redux.

Now. For something really funny, read what James Lileks wrote in his column about “Grocery” as one of those words that never goes out in public alone. God, he’s funny. Click here.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Straight face. Keep a straight face

Perhaps you read that the new tea bag darling, Christine O’Donnell, is opposed to masturbating. That prompted one satirist to threaten staging a “Million Masturbators March” on Washington. Admire my restraint. Please.

Hang on. By the year 2020 there will be 123 million highly skilled jobs available but only 50 million Americans qualified to perform the work. All the rest will be tea baggers.

More numbers. The largest segment of Glenn Beck’s audience is over 65, while the largest segment that watches the Daily Show and the Colbert Report is under 30. Honey, we’re au courant.

Actress Martha Plimpton on Glenn Beck -- I don’t think he hears anything outside the H-bombs going off in his head. It’s just calliope music and gunfire in there.

The desktop fan was the first mechanical household appliance to use electricity. The Edco fan hit the market in 1883. Hot air has been with us a long time.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

9/11 -- When our hearts stopped

FRONT PAGES FROM 9/12/01, via the Newseum:

USA Today (“'Act of war'”)
N.Y. Times (“U.S. ATTACKED”)
WashPost (“Hundreds Dead”)
N.Y. Post (“ACT OF WAR”)
N.Y. Daily News “(“IT'S WAR”)
Chicago Tribune (“'Our nation saw evil'”)
L.A. Times
The (London) Times
The (London) Daily Telegraph “War on America”

(Thanks to Mike Allen, Politico)

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Palin and Beck -- angels or demons?

Dollar to a doughnut – Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck are setting a trap and the main street media keep tumbling over the precipice like a stampede of lemmings.

On 9/11, the conservative darlings are holding a thing in Anchorage. Subject and purpose to be announced. Tickets cost from $65 to $200. Their promoter says the date is just a coincidence. So was their rally on the MLK anniversary – just a coincidence. Sure.

The blogosphere is buzzing bad about the 9/11 sacrilege. Ditto newspapers and TV.

Full disclosure: I really don’t like Palin or Beck. But I think they are too media savvy to host a fund-raising event on 9/11 just to line their own pockets. Too cunning.

I think they picked the date, then sat back and waited for the MSM to take the bait.

You watch (I can’t). They will contort the event into something heaven sent. Don’t be surprised if they baptize a child or two. Or announce the gate receipts will be used to fund a new flag factory in Alaska.

And the MSM will have egg on its face at the height of the salmonella scare.

Dark angels can do that.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Tea Bag sound and fury, signifying the usual

Good Lord.

The Tea Baggers are turning against Andy Griffith. All because he cut a TV spot supporting the new health care bill. Mayberry, Oh Mayberry.

On top of that comes news that Kelsey Grammer is among the investors launching a Tea Baggers TV network called RightNetwork. Not surprisingly, the first series will track the progress of Tea Party candidates. Quick, say Fox News. Now spell redundant.

The “liberal press” is recent history. The list of right wing media outlets is bigger than I can remember. Is all of talk radio aimed at conservatives?

Glen Beck and Sarah Palin are cooking up something in Alaska for 9/11, thereby upending the unwritten tradition of dignified observance for this dark day.

My money is on Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. Both are hinting broadly that they are moved to skewer the parade started by Glenn Beck, the modern-day Music Man. Maybe a truthiness rally? If you don’t watch Stewart and Colbert, you should give them a try. Colbert has better writers, but Stewart is funnier. Heads up: their satire is an acquired taste. Especially Colbert.

Olde Salty, a N. Carolina beach restaurant, has adopted a strict no-tantrum policy for unruly children. That would be the end of politics as we know it.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Political nuts: a bumper crop

It’s a legitimate question: if Glenn Beck was wearing body armor at his spectacle, do you think Sarah Palin was wearing Kevlar, too? Her white jacket looked a little boxy.

Frankly, I think Glenn Beck has jumped the shark, and Jonah and the whale. His piety sounds a bit tinny to evangelicals who do not share his Mormon conversion beliefs. Hell, many Mormons don’t either. I’ve said it before: we are watching a man breakdown on national TV. It’s sad.

There’s a change underfoot wherein politicians don’t meet with the press and don’t answer questions. Sarah Palin has honed it to an art. And her adoring followers don’t care. They hate reporters.

It’s spreading. Witness Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer stonewalling when she was asked to clarify her assertion that beheadings were common in her state. (Not true.) No more debates for Gov. Brewer either (she bombed). Tea Baggers may find this great sport – but wait until these nuts get elected and stop answering questions from voters. Accountability, ancient history?

How about Sharon Angle, the Nevada crazy woman who runs from reporters she called to her own press conference?

Joe Miller, the Tea Bagger from Alaska who would be senator, says his funding comes from God. Bulletin: don’t tithe.

And Rand Paul, a heavenly gift. Verily.

It’s opponents like these giving Democrats some hope, current polling notwithstanding.

Term limits, you say. At least 78% of Americans see term limits as an answer. Think again, please. There are no term limits on the lobby or the bureaucrats. They would eat the freshmen for lunch.

It’s a tough choice. Should we elect nuts or professional liars?

Friday, September 3, 2010

Winter? Already?

Last Sunday, there were 10,000 bikinis out in the 90 degree Minnesota sunshine. One for every lake. More, if you count skimpies at the State Fair food court.

Today, Friday, the girls are pulling on sweaters. Soon, they will be bubble-wrapped in parkas, hoodies, and flecks of ice melt. Anthropologists think the Eskimo nose fetish was first practiced here. From October til April, that’s the only skin showing.

Get this. In 16 days, historical statistics show we could have our first snowfall. Nobody is talking about it except weather rookies like me.

The giveaway? Long lines at the cleaners to get the flannel shirts and lined britches steam cleaned before you know what. Another clue: hardware stores advertise paint that goes on even in 35 degree weather. Is that when the Lutherans were taught to paint?

Sure, the trees are changing colors in an attempt to signal humans to do what they can’t: RUN. RUN AWAY. Next door, the neighbor’s tree has been shedding red leaves for a week. It’s the kind of tree Charlie Brown would hang his kite in.

Confession: all of the above is play-like. I might grump about winter but I actually kind of like it. The ice rituals. The screams as cars slide through intersections. The antennae on fire plugs so firemen can find them in the snow banks. The historical markers on pot holes. The bourbon.

Any day now, the department of transportation will make Minnesota Nice mandatory. And Kohls will have a sale.

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