One of these days, you’re going to find me laying in the gutter with my belly to the sun – the victim of a perfectly good ass-whipping.
Don’t bother calling the Mystery Woman. It will be her fault.
People who have just met her immediately put her in a “nice woman” box because she is a retired elementary school media specialist. But those of us who have been around her for any length of time know that she gets up every morning, gargles obscenities and brushes her teeth with barbed wire.
If you see us in a restaurant, and if you have noisy small children with you, run for your lives. If you don’t, it can get ugly.
Likewise if you like to talk in movie theaters. She has a patent on withering stares.
Let’s don’t even talk about traffic and patience.
What’s she up to now? What was that noise? Did you hear that? Sounds like a hammer pounding something into the ground.
Oh crap. The Mystery Woman was in the front yard planting a yard sign urging everyone to attend the Jon Stewart “Rally to Restore Sanity.”
Where did she get the poster? The normally mild-mannered school teacher downloaded Stewart’s artwork from the Internet, printed a small copy and took it to Kinko’s for a ginormous blow-up. A wire frame and a few staples later and there you have it.
An invitation for Tea Baggers to come whip my ass.
Already the neighborhood is reacting. A granny walked over with her toddler grandson to watch the tree-trimmers at work. When she saw our sign, she struck out her tongue. At the sign! Then she had the gall to sit on our front steps for half an hour to let the kid learn chain saw 101. True story.
I fear for my personal safety.
Take pity on me. Sure, I’m the guy the Mystery Woman came with but I’m old and only average size. Long ago, I forgot everything I know about karate. Just mutter and turn away.
Better still – join up 10.30.10 in Washington. Or organize a rally in your hometown.