Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Quickies you can do without

I knew something was wrong the minute we stepped outside. We were wearing sweats and hoodies. All the thirty-somethings were wearing shorts and t-shirts. Did old people cause climate change?

This week, the dermatologist froze about 20 pre-cancerous lesions on my head. They turn dark and swell up as they dot my face. The Mystery Woman says I look like Harry Whittington’s wing man. Move to the head of the class if you remember Harry’s the guy who went bird hunting with Dick Cheney. Extra points if you live outside Austin.

Some of the hottest women on TV host the morning shows. Not just the news shows. Everywhere. Even on the Weather Channel and the financial cable news. This is not a sexist statement. I didn’t hire those honeys. Raise your hand if you’ve noticed this too. (Note: every hand shot up.)

I’m sorry. But Glenn Beck is like the sanctimonious preacher’s kid that you just wanted to slap silly back in grade school. Yes, I know … I’m a bad person.

John Stewart described Muammar Qaddafi as drone-kill.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Hurts too much to kick the bucket

This is about Me.

I discovered the hard way that I’m in a high-tone fraternity that includes: Henry VIII, Khubilai Khan, Nostradamus, John Milton, Isaac Newton, Alfred Lord Tennyson, George IV, John Hancock, Thomas Jefferson and other lesser luminaries.

We each know gout on a profane level. When something hurts this much, you damn right it’s profane.

The pain is caused by uric acid crystals which form in the joints of your foot and toes and stick out backwards. The smallest movement hurts. Even a bed sheet hurts. Forget about walking. Pray you don’t have to go to the bathroom very often.

Gout can be a gateway to Parkinson’s Disease, heart attack, high blood pressure, kidney stones and, I’m convinced, insanity. The pain drives you mad.

For years, medicos have pushed the stereotype that booze and rich foods enable gout to attack. Recently, they have begun to wonder if metabolism can be a contributing factor.

I will stipulate that decades of hard drinking never hurt as much as ten days of gout. That’s about how long my attacks persist. Ten days.

This time, something strange is going on. The doc gave me steroids, which calmed the left foot – only to have symptoms show up in the right foot a few days later. That defies logic.

The Mystery Woman says one foot likely caught it from the other because they were sleeping together.

Friday, March 18, 2011

All hat and no cattle

This is a trick question: Which of these statements is true?

Andrew Breitbart tells GQ his “dream ticket for 2012” would be Reps. Allen West (R-FL) and Michele Bachmann (R-MN).

The Houston Rodeo, one of the largest in the world, is now selling chardonnay at a wine garden adjacent to the arena.

Both are true. And, yes, both are BS. Both have consequences.

The Houston Rodeo is no longer sanctioned by the Professional Rodeo Cowboys Association. No steer wrestling and no calf roping – no sanction.

Breitbart is just a mean S.O.B. who provokes for a living. But his fifteen minutes are ticking away. Eventually, he’ll poke himself in the eye. Already, only the crazies sanction this angry guy.

Just like Glenn Beck, who calls himself a rodeo clown.

Wha? Get me a blackboard. I think I just connected some dots.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Sarah Palin -- old news

Conservatives have begun to turn on Sarah Palin. My work here is done.

The woman simply spent too much time in the green room. She began to believe the confetti in her head. The sparklers, too.

She was good at whack, bam, pow. It was the thinking part that brought her down. Too late, she began to hire professionals. Too late, she asked Roger Ailes for his advice. Too late.

For a self-proclaimed rogue, the woman could really whine. At least now we know what $32 million can buy.

Not to worry. Sarah will not disappear gently. Her greed and need for publicity are powerful engines. Plus, she has a herd of wingnut suporters who will continue to yowl and reproduce.

I wish her a long life.

I wish her a long life on Fox News. Watching her is too much fun. Get some popcorn. Join us at camera three in high definition.

Cue Michele Bachmann.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Just a little loving

Listen. Can you hear the pop, pop, pop? That’s springtime in Texas. Trees are budding out. Down here, spring is an action verb.

Last week, there was nothing but hard, bare trees braced against bleak skies. Pop. Some green. Pop. White blossoms. Pop. More blossoms. The birds seem happier. Me, too. I’m tempted to chirp.

High in the treetops, the squirrels are more awake. That’s where I draw the line. As a concession, I now nap with the windows open.

Life is sweet. Soon, the wildflowers will take center stage. Busy people will gas up the family buggy for a ride in the Hill Country to soak in the beauty.

Each new smile is contagious.

And returns the favor.

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