Saturday, August 20, 2011

GOP clown car rolling along

Michele Bachmann. Self-proclaimed defender of the incandescent light bulb. Surely, you’ve seen it light up over head each time she thinks. You haven’t?

Rick Perry says “God is how we got here.” Proves my point -- I’ve been telling you and telling you that Republicans don’t understand sex.

Scroll down. There’s a photo on the Talking Points Memo site showing a young girl holding a home-made sign that reads: “Ron Paul is the Constitution.” She’s also carrying a ticket to the Ron Paul Mosh Pit. You have to really work to suspend this much disbelief. Mosh pit. Indeed.

Best campaign joke so far: “Mitt Romney. Still the GOP front-runner.”

Friday, August 19, 2011

Vetting the GOP's top guns

A full page ad in the Austin Chronicle asks, “Have you had sex with Rick Perry?” Several friends from Texas emailed it to me. I don’t know why – I never had sex with Perry.

He’s only been an announced presidential candidate for one week and already Republican operatives fret about Perry’s swagger, Perry’s mouth and Perry’s limited regional appeal. Translation: the Troubles could affect contributions outside Texas.

You saw the story where Michele Bachmann’s voices in her head made it to her mouth and she announced her fears about the Soviet Union (which dissolved 20 years ago). She meant Russia. You can see Russia from your house in Minnesota.

Funniest line in this election year: Romney, Perry, Bachmann. The GOP’s top tier.

Phrases become trite quickly in this 24/7 political news cycle. Talking heads over-use ‘em. “At the end of the day...,” seems to be everyone’s favorite catch phrase. Not me. At the end of the day -- I find it gets dark.

Not as good as Dorothy Parker’s classic perspective: “If all the girls who attended the Yale senior prom were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be at all surprised.”

But I’m trying.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Political cheap shots herewith

So here comes Michelle Bachmann whining about giving President Obama a $2.4 trillion “blank check.” Watch your metaphors. If the amount is filled in, the check isn’t blank.

Most of those new jobs Rick Perry keeps bragging about were low-pay. Minimum wage. And it wouldn’t surprise me if future studies show the jobs were taken mostly by illegal immigrants from south of the border.

Gov. Perry made a big show of praying for rain. His reward is one of the worst droughts in Texas’ history.

Christine O'Donnell walked off the Piers Morgan show after Morgan asked about gay marriage. You remember her: “I’m not a witch.” But at times, she rhymes with one.

Michele Bachmann says she’ll bring back $2 gasoline. She must be planning for everyone to spend two bucks on an Oklahoma credit card. That’s a siphon hose for you young people.

In another world: Mr. President, ixnay on the usbay.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Rick Perry, George Bush separated at birth?

Incredible. TV talking heads predict Rick Perry to be the next president of the United States. To date, Perry has won only 718 votes in the Iowa straw poll. Incredible.

Give it a little time. At any given minute, Perry’s big ego is likely to over-power his big mouth. The man tends to get carried away. His views are extremist. (Google “rhetoric,” guv.)

Twice, Perry has suggested Texas might just damned well secede from the union. Then, he has the gall to question whether President Obama loves America. (Google “irony,” guv.)

Next comes Perry with a not-so-veiled threat to Ben Bernanke. “If this guy prints more money,” Mr. Perry said, pausing, “I don’t know what you all would do to him in Iowa, but we would treat him pretty ugly down in Texas.” (Google “crass,” guv.)

Perry believes that every presidential candidate should wear French cuffs, custom cowboy boots, and pack a laser-sighted .380 Ruger. (Google “cartoon,” guv.)

Nope. I don’t think his Bush-lite routine will play on the national stage. And I would bet those 718 people in Iowa would agree. (Google “remorse,” guv.)

Wait until his thin skin blisters up. (Google “thin skin,” guv.)

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