Wednesday, November 30, 2011

The Penis Diaries

Once again, the penis has proven to be a poor political tool.

Why do candidates keep on trying to make it work for them? Time after time, the penis provides only short-term benefits.

However, the pecker may be the last vestige of bi-partisanship. There is neither rank nor station in the democracy of the sex drive. It ensnares anybody, regardless of political party. Just look at recent history:

Democrats: Bill Clinton, John Edwards, Eliot Spitzer, Anthony Weiner, etc.

Republicans: Larry Craig, Mark Foley, Mark Sanford, Newt Gingrich and now Herman Cain.

And don’t forget cross political dresser Dick Morris, who worked for Clinton and now Fox.

Maybe I’m biased, but I do draw a distinction. I tend to think Republicans hide behind the Good Book (Herman Cain was a Baptist minister). While Democrats hit the bar with their black flags flying. Not that it makes the deed any more palatable.

No matter. Both parties are guilty. Both quote Robert Duvall from Lonesome Dove too often. He was always asking the saloon gal “How about a little poke?”

Politicians seem to think they get special dispensation. I wonder, do shoe salesmen?

Remember the Henry Kissinger response when someone asked him how a short, fat, ugly guy managed to have so many Hollywood starlets hanging on his arm: “Power,” he said in his heavy accent, “is the greatest aphrodisiac.”

Politicians will never learn. Men will never learn. Neither will women. Before we close, let me share a bit of wisdom from a Texas congressman who shall remain anonymous:

“If I could get the screwing vote, I would never again have to worry about re-election.”

“The screwing vote?” I asked.

“Yep,” he said. “For every man on top, there’s a woman on bottom.”

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Once upon a strange notion

The Mystery Woman has notions. Notions that attack when you least expect. I’m not saying she’s weird, but maybe she was a public school teacher just a little bit too long.

Like this morning. We were eating our Hostess Cream Filled Cupcakes for breakfast when she launched into this notion about the days of the week.

Caution: strong language herewith.

“Mondays are crap,” she exclaimed even though no one had inquired. “Don’t try to get anything started on Mondays. And don’t get me started about Mondays.” She used an expletive to describe Mondays that I didn’t think teachers knew.

“Tuesdays and Wednesdays are interchangeable. Not a dime’s worth of difference.” The dog nodded in solemn agreement and went back to sleep.

“But Thursdays. Now you’re talking. Weekend’s coming. Where’s the church key?”

Teachers are religious about Fridays, which they hold in High Cherish and serve with tartar sauce. The Mystery Woman has a lot to say about how healthy Fridays are.

However, her notion was beginning to wear off. Suffice it to say, teachers live for weekends almost as much as summer. Makes them colorful.

And forever young.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

GOP clown car still full

Rick Perry is a slow learner. Despite his dismal performances at every single Republican debate, he wants to have a go at it one more time – with former Speaker Nancy Pelosi. Careful, son. That woman is smart. She will cut you a new one.

Herman Cain is selling “pause” to explain his stumble about Libya with the Milwaukee Journal – but few people are buying it after seeing the video. Doesn’t he realize that such a transparent lie makes his word suspect on the sexual harassment mess?

Gaffe multiplier: First he said no video. Then he tried to cut the face time from one hour to twenty minutes. Failing those feints. Herman Cain cancelled his scheduled meeting with the New Hampshire Union Leader editorial board. At first, the newspaper was unaware of the scheduling kerfuffle and thought Cain was merely late. The newspaper tweeted: “If Cain is more than 30 minutes late for our interview, is our next one free?” Think pizza delivery.

Newt Gingrich. Historian. Strategic thinker. Big fat liar.

Rick Perry. Well, he’s not fat.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Newt is next. Cheney on deck.

For a shining moment, it appeared the Republican Spring was in full blossom. After all, the Tea Party had gnarled its way into politics du jour. The air was heavy with talk of returning to traditional values. You know, like waterboarding and photo IDs.

Across the mid-west, hearts beat at one to the same drum beat – no new taxes. Say it – no new taxes. Again.

God and the Tea Party spoke directly with candidates. Run, my children. Roll back the minimum wage.

Forget that earlier jive about false gods. Gold is good. Euro bad.


It seemed everyone’s prayers were being answered. Then tragedy struck. The candidates began to speak. Babel returned.

“You want a job, right?”

“All liberals in Congress should be investigated for being anti-American, Joe McCarthy style.”

And who can forget, “Oops.”

Wait a minute. This is beginning to sound like a Dick Cheney echo chamber. You remember Cheney. A guy at NPR said Cheney is the country's chief advocate for war, torture, surveillance and secrecy.

And he’s at 13 percent in the polls. Cheney’s surge is coming. He’s next right after Newt.

The Republican Spring.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

The debates -- pick a candidate, any candidate

Warning: snark attack herewith.

Last night at the foreign policy debate, the Republicans did some mighty fine pageant walking. Each candidate had the routine pat:

-- smile at the camera, take a few side-steps, show your ass.

With perhaps the most to lose, Herman Cain lost the most. Once past 9-9-9, he seems to have little to say of any substance.

And Newt, whom some described as an evil character from Dr. Seuss, continued live up to his reputation as the bully who likes to beat you down with a barrage of heavy words regardless of whether they make sense.

Speaking of making sense, Huntsman often did. But he ruins everything he says with his arched eyebrow. Makes him look smug and rich and Mormon.

Or is that Romney? Sometimes, I get them confused. Like having a spare Mormon in the campaign kit. Whether needed or not.

Just like having two Texans in the race. That’s a double negative. Before and after simultaneously. Like hearing a lingering echo from a bad old dream. With Perry starring as "grasshopper."

Bachman, Santorum, Paul – just barely enough body heat to cloud the exact time their campaigns died.

This time, the audience was more like Romney. They flip-flopped -- cheering both for and against water-boarding. Riddle me that.

Still, I watched the show ‘til they cut away. For the same reason I watch buildings implode.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

GOP debate: spittle and sputter

When last we spoke, I told you the extreme right wing base of the Republican Tea Party does not care whether Herman Cain has been accused of sexual harassment.

In last night’s debate, the audience booed the moderators for having the temerity to even raise the question. I rest my case.

Cain is going to get it. If those women hold a joint press conference, they will generate enough heat to fire up the women who vote. Again last night, he glossed over the facts that two settlements have resulted from charges against him. Slick.

Newt is getting a little old for his angry young man routine. He hates the media and uses every debate to spittle a little. Tiresome. His nasty personality negates his smarts.

None of the GOP candidates had a handle on how the European financial problems might impact America. Predictably, most of the economic discussions centered on business – not people.

Nobody laid a glove on Romney. Nobody even tried. Are they cowards afraid to engage him?

And then there’s Rick Perry.

OK, Rick – let’s try this one more time:

“One, two – buckle my shoe…”

Sunday, November 6, 2011

There are none so blind...

What does the Herman Cain sexual harassment scandal tell you – about the far right?

If you read the early polls, you will realize the conservatives don’t care. They deny there is such a thing as sexual harassment. Convenient. But what if it were your daughter, wife, girl friend?

And they continue to pour money into Cain’s campaign. They hate Obama so much that they cannot see the fatal flaws of a tainted candidate.

The far right has no soul, only an ugly past and a desperate future.

Remember at the Republican debate when the audience cheered as the moderator pointed out Rick Perry has executed more criminals than any other governor?

Remember when, at a subsequent GOP debate, one or two in the audience booed a soldier because he was gay?

These people don’t care.

And then there’s Cain. He’s a poor liar who changed his story every day:

  1. Perry leaked the sexual harassment story.
  2. Or… The liberal media is out to get him.
  3. And don’t forget… He was campaigning while black.


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