Sunday, September 30, 2012

The beauty shop is open

This bulletin from the Times-News in the Blue Ridge Mountains of N. Carolina. Thanks to good summer rains and cooler temperatures, the stage is set for fall color.

Dogwoods, sourwoods and maple are already turning color. The maple, black gum and sourwood display a beautiful red while tulip, poplar, beech and ginko turn a pretty yellow.

Our little ginko just started yellow overnight. 

Trees in our county should really start turning next week. Higher elevations peak in mid-October. we are about 1,000 feet below and our burst should be about a week or so behind.

 Pictures soon.


Sunday, September 23, 2012

Smart talk from Craigslist

Next time you are bored, grumpy, worried about the elections…just open up the ads in Craigslist for a little low humor.

Earlier I told you about the Craigslist ad for a “round table, 48x48.” Well, I just found a companion piece: “square table, 25x25x25x25.”

“Pig-me goats for sale.” Same guy?

Maybe this was his car for sale: “The A/C compressor was taken off due to the loss of hoarse power.”

It’s common to read about “break lights” but this one guy was up front about his problem with the “tell lights.”

One shop was taking “Koi Days” sale on the road and listed three locations over the next three days. It could be a bait and switch ploy. The last stop was at the “Hibach Buffet.”

Mountain humor: “Retro 1950’s yellow commode. Would look good in your bathroom – or your front yard.”

Handyman humor: “tape measure for sale, one end is dumber than the other.”

Drinking man’s humor: “24 can Budweiser bi-plane. What a super addition to any man's cave. Custom Made as a " One Of A Kind ". Precision cut and assembled from 24...possibly more cans.” Lost count, did you?

Items we could have used when we were younger: “Tart maker, $25.”

Friday, September 14, 2012

Three old guys walk into a Home Depot...

File this under: “Men do, Women don’t.” Amend that to read “old men” and “old women.”

The setting: they cater to retired people here in Mayberry (Hendersonville, N.C.). That’s great, for lots of reasons. Often, the Mystery Woman and I are the youngest couple in line at the pharmacy. And we’re cute in our matching outfits.

But I’ve begun to notice the ways men’s attitudes differ from women's as we slide into old age.

Men become comics. Women remain critics.

Here’s how. Just yesterday in the Lowe’s parking lot there was this brief exchange between me and a stranger about my age:

“I can use that cart if you’re through,” he said.

“It’s a one-owner driven only on Sundays,” I smiled.

The Mystery Woman, who had been waiting in the hot van, said, bemused: “Having a little chatter in the parking lot?”

Her advice: Never get behind an old guy in the check-out line, not even if he is in the Express Lane. Nope. He sees the cashier as a captive audience where he can sharpen his stand-up routines.

She may be right. In another parking lot yesterday, a new stranger held the door open for me as I struggled with a heavy, six-foot, thick plank of lumber.

“Thanks,” I wheezed.

“That’s OK,” he said. I can see you’re a little bored.”

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

A day in the life of e-geezers

It went something like this:

First, a friend posts something on Facebook about how we can get around their damned tracking. I liked it and re-posted it on my FB page.

Big mistake. My nerd son-in-law says that binary dog won’t spark (reach a little – you’ll get the idea).

So I changed my alert-post but not before my daughter zings me with “I’m in love with that nerd.”

Meanwhile, the nerd in question says although he doesn't know what we are writing about, he is nevertheless VERY offended. I think it is his standing principle ever since Clint Eastwood.

Swift apologies to everyone, all the while hearing an electrical bark in the bkg. But it could have been a grackle.

To prove my e-prowess, I notify my nerd-in-law that I no longer require his help in “unfriending” camp followers on FB. Today, I learned how to do this myself. I crushed someone anonymously. Today I am an e-man (but not the Muslim kind).

My nerd, who is grudgingly proud of me, says, “Congratulations. The next step is forgetting how to talk to girls.”

Life. BWTFDIK. (My nerd said you would understand the initials.)

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Would I lie to you?

This will be your only notice: The Gee Haw Whimmy Diddle Competition is the central event at the 32nd annual Heritage Weekend that takes place Saturday and Sept. 16, at the Folk Art Center on the Blue Ridge Parkway near Asheville.

For sale on Craigslist: round table 42" x 42"

In 1940, the chance of an American being killed by lightning was about 1 in 400,000. Today it’s 1 in 11 million. More, if Obama is re-elected.

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